Lady Obsessed With Leaving Animal Excrement in her Local Co-Op was given a Four Year Prison Sentence This Week after a Judge Deemed She Was Stark Raving Bonkers.
Local Rimmingham lady Anthea Pine decided to go on a bewildering pattern of odd behaviour this year, when she became obsessed with leaving all kinds of animal excrement in her local shop. It puzzled both workers and customers at Rimmingham Co-Op after she could be clearly seen bringing in large bags of poo and dumping them on the ground. “To make matters worse”, alluded shop Manager Catherine Bates, “she would then perform an odd ritual of rubbing that stinky splatter into the shop floor!”
Bates went on to describe a nauseating scene where the CCTV showed Pine emptying over a dozen shit bags designed for dog mess, and emptied them all on the floor, rubbing them in with her hands.
“The smell was atrocious, and not to mention we had people slipping in it, and kids trampling it even further into the shop. This was the fourth incident in two weeks, so we hired third party security to give her a citizen’s arrest and escort her forcefully out of the shop.”
Which is exactly what happened the fifth time Pine tried to empty a wheelbarrow of cow pat on the floor. Before she could tip it upside down, she was soon out the door faced up against the wall.
Rimmingham Co-Op also decided to prosecute Anthea for repeated vandalism, and got an immediate restraining order forbidding her to be within 10 feet of the shop. Remarkably when she got the letter saying that they will see her in court, Pine decided to protest and leave a dirty pile of scum of her own right outside of Rimmingham Co-Op.
On the 14th March 2023 Judge Henrietta Calding pronounced her sentence, that not only was Anthea Pine guilty of causing repeated disturbances and safety concerns, but she was a danger and a menace to society. She was sentenced to four years prison with no hope of parole or early release.
Calding finished the hearing with “This is the most disturbing case I’ve seen of someone acting stark raving bonkers, with no rhyme or reason. Your fixation with animal shite is a worry in itself, but your obsession with placing it in this specific shop and causing a health and safety hazard is abhorrent. Four years locked in a cell is being kind. May god have mercy on your soul!”
Rimmingham Co-Op was very satisfied with the verdict, but sent a worrying e-mail about a possible copycat scat shopper who emptied their chemical toilet adjacent the dry-roasted peanuts. As ever The Shrikeshire Times will keep you up to date. Just remember ladies and gentleman, shit happens.
