A Lady From Helstronwick In The East Parish of Shrikeshire Was Banned From Walsham Cinema Complex After Letting Off The Most Horrific Wind on Record, With One Audience Member on a Ventilator and Five Others Passing Out.
A lady who wishes to remain anonymous, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Suzy Wallace, the shop assistant at Helstronwick Co-Op, was given a lifetime ban from Walsham Cinema on Saturday 18th March.
The unidentified brunette in her thirties, had bought some Nacho’s with Salsa and Pickled Jalapenos at the Kiosk before the movie started, and had already eaten half during the trailers. She said her tummy started to burn from the chillies and it made her wriggle in her seat. Not wanting to miss any of the movie, she decided to quietly release some of the trapped gas from her stomach by gently letting rip into the chair.
“It was like a giant gas attack on the nose. There is no way to describe it other than a complete assault on my sinuses. If someone had smashed a thousand year old egg, the smell wouldn’t be potent enough to describe the abuse asserted on my senses.” Says James Phillips, one of the many victims distraught in the aftermath. “I mean I’ve never smelled anything like it” he continues, “That woman needs to see a bowel specialist, it’s just inhuman.”
The lady in the row in front of James, fainted after spluttering he added, and there were nauseating heaves coming from at least 3 other rows, and people dry-gagging. Among the commotion was a loud scream of “What the bloody hell caused that ****ing stench?”, as an elderly man coughed his lungs out.
After a minute of prolonged stink assault, people started leaving the cinema with hands over their faces. But the seriousness hit when severe asthmatic David Kern collapsed as he was walking out. The Paramedics arrived fast placing him on an oxygen tank in the ambulance. It was touch and go until he could be wired to a life-saving ventilator at the hospital where his lungs were diagnosed with toxic levels of irritation.
Cinema Manager Ross Flint commented “Just what on earth had she had to eat that day, because reactions like that don’t happen from Nachos. These are some of the tastiest Nachos on the planet, and for only £5.99 for small or £7.99 for large, you can get them at the Kiosk every day. I recommend the large cheese and salsa personally*”.
*The Shrikeshire Times may or may not receive a commission from Walsham Cinema Complex for that free advertisement.
Flint added that the police also had to be called, and escorted her off the premises taking her straight to the police station. We later learned she could have been charged with involuntary manslaughter had David Kern not made a full recovery on Sunday at the hospital. Whilst the outcome was uncertain, they confined her to a cell where she spent the night in solitary.
Officer Martin Hobbs of the Walsham Police Constabulary refused to comment on the scene, other than it’s the first time he’s had to go to the chemists to buy a sinus rinsing kit. It appears that a night in a police cell with very poor ventilation had Hobbs and the other Officers on the Night Watch in uncomfortable throat gagging spasms.
The Shrikeshire Times can exclusively reveal that the lady in question was also banned from returning to the police station until, and I quote, she “had a shit followed by full colonic irrigation.”
