A traffic warden in the East Parish of Shrikeshire was successfully sued and ordered to pay £5000 damages to each of his 5 assailants, after throwing excrement at them as they approached him with chainsaws in an alleyway.
It was just an ordinary day for Traffic Warden Frank Rollison, after plastering tickets on a group of motorbikes on double yellow lines. Little did he realise they would be coming at him with chainsaws shortly after for retribution! Which is exactly what happened when the Liquorice and Clitoris Motorbike clan of 5 members got him trapped in a corner behind Nibbley Moore shopping complex 4 months ago.
Rollison later testified at court that he had no choice but to fight them off with his own excrement. He quickly pulled down his trousers and emptied his bowels onto his hands, unleashing the entire contents at his victims as they went down one by one on the concrete hurling and bawling.
Gang leader and chainsaw enthusiast Markus Walker, said on the stand “It’s disgusting. We had pulled our motorbikes up for an emergency toilet break! Then not only did we get ticketed fines but this irresponsible little tyrant, throws his shit at us!” He went on to point out the bacteria and toxins in faeces could have led to severe viral infections, and blinded his loyal gang members, with his right hand man Andy “Skull Crusher” Morris, already on the floor coughing his lungs up with the dry heaves.
The Judge Deirdre Wilson finished his sentencing by saying “This is the most shocking attack on 5 members of the community I have ever witnessed. You could have merely taken the beating that was coming your way, but instead you had treat your attackers like they were wild animals smearing them with your warm stinky poo. Therefore the unanimous verdict of guilty from the jury, comes as no surprise. You are hereby ordered by the court to pay each of your victims £5000 in damages, and 300 days community service cleaning local toilets where you will learn all about the importance of bacterial cleansing.”
When asked if he had anything to say following his sentencing, former Traffic warden Frank Rollison merely gasped covering his throat, and said he thinks this experience has brought on the hives and anxiety.
