A Man Renowned For Not Being Able To Keep His Clothes On, Has Decided To Go On A Spree Of Streaking Causing Great Anguish At Three Local Weddings And One Funeral This March in Shrikeshire
It should be the happiest day of the year, but for three couples in Helstronwick, their wedding day was a nightmare of imposed nudity. If that wasn’t bad enough, a funeral in Fibley Marsh was also hit by a well-known Streaker who’s motivation appears to be to disrupt social life on every level, and upset some very happy or grieving people in the process.Â
Irene and Derek Spooner were taking wedding photos in the gardens outside the registry office, when Liam Richardson, a self-confessed seventh-day advent nudist, decided to throw down his trousers and run right past the bride and groom shrieking “Gareeba!!!”
Derek picks up the story “I was stunned, all I could think of was to shout ‘What you doing you twat?’ But he made a lunge for the bridesmaid holding his arms out as she squirmed in revulsion! I was quick to lamp him one square to the jaw, knocking him out in one fell swoop. My knee may or may not also have made contact with his testicles.”
Richardson spent 10 years on the boxing scene in his youth and was a groom not to be messed with. At this point he held his wife and took her back in the registry office as the emergency services were called.
“We have no idea how he ended up with broken ribs, but we suspect Carol (the bridesmaid) may have given him a kick when we went inside! And if she did, all the power to her.”
It was a different story for Janice and Ian Arnold, who had put off their wedding so many times during the pandemic. Janice asserts, “We had to arrange my mother and father coming from Australia, and his sister from Canada, and finally the date was set in stone. What we didn’t count on was the biggest day of my life, would be ruined by a man jiggling his joystick as I walked down the aisle.”
Richardson, undeterred by broken ribs, decided to gatecrash Helstronwick Church at the middle of their vows, doing what was described as the groom as “Some sort of unbelievable crotch dance, where he held the end of his nik nak and starting swinging it like a rope.”
There were visible cries among the attendees and the Reverend Michael P Brampton lost his cool and told the Shrikeshire Times, “I grabbed a goblet of holy water, threw it right at him and shouted ‘Be Cast Demon'”
It was described like a scene from the Benny Hill show as Richardson was being chased around the Pews, but managed to climb over one and make a swift exit, before being found outside battered by half the congregation.
The latest couple to fall victim last weekend on Sunday March 26th was Phil and Michaela Rutter. They declined to comment but they did send a photo to use with permission. The message stated “We apologise to friends family and anyone else who was affected by the horrific sight of a mans willy on our wedding day. We are too distraught to talk about it just now, as we reflect on the events of the tackle massacre. Suffice it to say we are talking to our solicitors and Liam Richardson hasn’t heard the last of us.”
We were able to get hold of Amber Willis, mother of the bride Michaela who merely had this to say, “Two years of meticulous planning ruined by hideous swinging knackers during the Father of the Bride speech!”
Shortly after being arrested for a third time and on conditional bail that he stays away from any further weddings, Richardson thought he was being clever by switching up to another event. Sadly in this case it was the Funeral of Margaret “Mags” Tinkleton from Fibley Marsh, who’s family had come far and wide to see her off with a tearful farewell.
Her 58 year old son Mark Tinkleton describes the unfolding events of “Like a scene from the movie Porkies. We should have seen it coming. A bloke we don’t know stood near the grave as the coffin is being lowered wearing a large black trench coat. We had reached the ashes to ashes part, and he just undid the coat fully wide and exposed himself. The b*****d’s just stood there as my Mam is in her final resting place, flashing his pecker!”
There were tears, cries, even screams. Mark’s sister Karen fainted, but even worse, in absolute fury his other sister Paula ran behind him and shoved him. “He lurched forward, half twisted, and the only way to go was backward. It’s hard to even say, but he fell 6 feet under landing bare arsed on my mother’s coffin. I can’t get shot of the hideous memory of a naked man’s body all over her casket.”
Arrested for the fourth time, Richardson has so far failed to make bail, and we leave the last word to DCI Martin Hobbs of the Shrikeshire Police Constabulary.
“The suspect is right where he should be and won’t be out of his cell to disrupt any more events around Shrikeshire for the foreseeable future. Judge Alison Wilmott declared that allowing him back out there puts families and people’s welfare at great risk. We are committed to ensuring preventative measures are in place in and around the area to deter anyone else who might have any smart ideas of exposing their bits and pieces.”
Of course, the timing of this is right after the controversial nudist beach proposals at Angorstock and is sure to add weight to the massive case against. The police are also asking that anyone who has been flashed, or subject to Liam Richardson’s unanimously hideous winkle, to get in touch immediately.Â
After all this, we, at the Shrikeshire Times offices, need a stiff brandy!
