Shrikeshire police burst open the door with a battering ram at a four year olds birthday party late February 2023, after a tip off that Gary Delaney jokes were being told by a five year old boy.
Five year old Jasper Carter was cuffed, arrested, and interoggated at Shrikeshire Police Station for 14 hours following what was described by several mothers at the party as “Vile gag, after vile gag!”.
Rupert Podd was celebrating his 4th birthday and had invited Jasper and 23 other friends over for a party involving, pass-the-parcel, musical chairs and Karoake. His intoxicated father Marty Podd, had suggested an open mic night to end the proceedings, which is when Jasper took the initiative to break out the Delaney jokes.
“The first couple were light hearted and got a few laughs”, said Aimee Podd, mother of the birthday boy. “But then Jasper decided to take it to a new level, and get really blue with this audience of largely 4 year old children. As a 5 year old we expected more maturity!” It was about thirty minutes later that Ingrid Wallace mother of two children at the party, decided to call the authorities.
A police riot van swiftly pulled up outside the Shrikeshire property, and a battering ram handled by 6 officers was used to break the door down. Before Jasper could finish his latest joke about zoo monkeys taking matters into their own hands literally, the police had him cuffed and cautioned. Anything he said after was taken down to be given in evidence against him.
Arresting officer Sergeant Ian Hill said “The family and children were clearly distraught, but we detained and interrogated the menace for sixteen hours until he promised never to repeat the offence. What worries me is if today’s five year olds are telling Gary Delaney jokes, what next? Frankie Boyle? Bernard Manning? This is a very real threat to the fabricate of society and the social etiquette of children in general.”
The Shrikeshire Times reached out to the Carter family, and have yet to hear anything back other than “Eff off you nosey C words!” Let this be a lesson to you all: please never ever let your 5 year olds answer the telephone.
