Following severe budget cuts to the Shrikeshire Emergency Services, the decision has been made higher up to make drastic spending cuts in order to retain the employment of hundreds of workers in our Police Force. The largest cuts involve wardrobe vehicles and K9's
Mayor Graham Parsnip was recently booed at his press conference on Tuesday 21st March in Gransted, where he announced several cuts to the Shrikeshire Police Force, in a three-phase proposal. The first was that the budget for attire had to be cut by over 70 percent, and with it the trousers. From now on the budget would only allow Police officers to wear shorts, and not full length trousers as before.
When asked at the conference if this would include female officers, Parsnip raised a smile and said “Absolutely yes it does, one hundred percent.” One of the officers who could not be named quipped back “I bet it does you perv!”
Parsnip quickly inquired “Who called me a perv?” And a reporter came back quickly with “According to recent polls at least 56 percent of your constituents!” The Shrikeshire Times on the behest of Mayor Graham Parsnip wishes to point out the recent gender harrassment story was considered to be false under a court of law (read more here).
Moving on, the second phase of Mayor Parsnips address said that Police Vehicles, cars, riot vans, and motorcycles, would be retired, in an effort to save both money and offset the County of Shrikeshire’s carbon footprint. These will be replaced with boats adapted with wheels, that have been donated by local fisherman and the gardening community.
There were genuine heckles of “You’re having a laugh, surely!” and “What’s next wheelbarrows?”, to which Parsnip nodded saying “Wheelbarrows are definitely being considered as well.”
The third phase of the budget cuts was intended to shed the massive costs of training, keeping, and looking after K9’s. Instead of the trusted German Shepherd used for decades by the police, they would be replaced by Poodles, a smaller breed, and will be trained on the job.
Professional Police Animal Trainer Daisy McKenzie was there with a look not to be trifled with. She said “Poodle?. Parsnip and the entire Council are having a laugh. You think a bloody poodle is going to sniff out a potential terror suspect or find a few hidden kilos of crack in a Lorry that has hidden compartments for illegal immigrants? And what about chasing a suspect is it going to lick his foot off?”
Graham Parsnip was approached after the conference by the Shrikeshire Times and wanted to say back “We understand the concern and this year is the pilot scheme for these measures, and I’m confident time will tell we made the right call.”
Later that night, we received an unsubstantiated tip off that Mayor Parsnip was allegedly spending local tax payers money at strip clubs watching pole dancers.
The police were called, and by the time they arrived in their wheelbarrows, their legs and their poodles were freezing to death, and the club had shut hours ago.
