Concerned Rodent Experts and Health Officials Are Warning Of A New Breed Of Rat Thieving Meals And Family Dinners Fearing An Outbreak On A Level Shrikeshire Has Never Experienced Before
Experts in the Environmental Health department of Shrikeshire County Parish Council have sent out a worrying concern about a new variant of rat scouring the area with more than an ample voracity. This new breed of rat has been shown on CCTV cameras stealing entire dinners from hamburgers to cheese and onion pasties, and is an immediate threat to hygiene and safety.
The rodent is said to have a particular high appetite for a family Sunday Roast, several of which have noticeably gone missing from three houses last week within driving distance.
Pat Goldman from Walsham was astonished when she placed a family roast chicken on the kitchen top to cool for a few minutes before serving, only to come back from the kitchen to discover the entire bird vanished. “I was in a state of perpetual kerfuffle until I noticed large rodent paw prints in chicken grease and a big lump of rat turd at the other end of the top. Later when we played back the security camera from outside we saw the rat dragging it behind the bins to eat. It was a big bugger!”
A similar tale came from Edwin Mantle 2 miles down the road , “It beggars beyond belief. I did chicken nuggets and propped the window open after the fryer steamed up the kitchen, and every singe one of them swiped when I came back from the loo. I thought it was the kids, I blamed them, and didn’t give them anything to eat that night saying they’d already had enough. Don’t even ask me about the nauseating excrement I found just outside the door because it was miniature dog turd territory.”
A Nibbley Moore Japanese restaurant called Origami was the next to be hit. “Entire plates of prepared Sashimi and Sushi were taken, night after night. This is expensive Sashimi grade fish, and we estimated over 3 grands of produce was stolen by the rats,” explains owner Haruto Tanaka. “As soon as we knew it was rats, we were shut down by Environmental Health. A polite notice to all the internet trolls on our facebook page, we will not be wasting our time answering messages about serving raw rat in the future anymore.”
Local Rodent Exterminator Blake “The T-Man” Turner has been called out to Walsham, Nibbley Moore, and other areas of Shrikeshire and had this warning “J**** Chr**t, these are massive f*****s, never seen b******s like it in my life. This is a ferocious rabid variant, the little f****r has teeth like a f*****g rottweiler. This is next level rodent kill, they’re climbing trees, f*****g drainpipes, and opening windows like a f*****g burglar. I caught one of the f*****s with a full box of Milk Tray.”
Turner took the Shrikeshire Times on one of his call outs, he was swinging from the top of a roof, and chased one into an adjacent tree, jumping like he was indestructible. To say the one he caught was the size of a small cat, is an understatement. He shrugged it all off and said “All in a days f*****g work!” Asked if he had any advice to any worried citizens of Shrikeshire he said “Don’t eat their s*** it’s rank!”
At a joint press conference with Ian Withstanley of Environmental Health, Turner was present but not allowed to speak on the record. Withstanley however asked residents to “remain vigilante, and keep your windows and doors locked when cooking to be safe. The large rat was studied by experts and found to have a genome variant different to the average domesticated rat. It is unclear how big this threat is, but more exterminators like Mr Turner are being outsourced around the area!”
This new rat is bigger, stronger with a much larger appetite for foods, and poses a danger to the cost of living crisis and personal hygiene. Please report any sightings and incidents to the County Parish Council. And remember, If you need help, and there’s nobody else you can turn to. Maybe you can hire The T-Man.
