A 61 year old Bingo Caller Was Assaulted last week in the car park of his local Club in Gransted Due to Very Crude Callings of Ball 69, Sustaining Broken Ribs From a Gang of Old Aged Pensioners.
Jimmy Gibson has been calling local bingo for over four years now at the Rifle and Pellet Club for Seniors, and decided to shake things up last week in the way he called out Ball 69. Typically his call has been the traditional “Either Way Up 69”, referring to the way the numbers can be the same upside down. However, on Tuesday March 7th Gibson foolishly decided to lead with “Meal For Two With a Hairy View”, followed by a wink at player Doris Willerby who was celebrating her 90th birthday that afternoon.
This doesn’t stop here, according to regular bingo attendee Nora Wilson, who continues “He then had to stand up provocatively, stick his tongue out, and feel up and down his legs in sexy movements as he wolf whistled for Legs 11.” What he did for ball Naughty 40 is too x-rated to put in print here, but it was very clear that everything he called that afternoon had worrying sexual undertones.
Mavis Richards, pictured in the top right next to her husband Arthur, was so disgusted at some of the calls, that she fainted twice. Her toothless other half could be heard audibly murmuring under his breath words to the effect of “Ya inconsidrut ucking fastud.” As if it hadn’t already become too much, “Make them wait” for 58, was replaced with “Rate a Primate’s Prostate!”
Six disgruntled attendees (who wish to remain anonymous) were waiting for Jimmy in the Car Park once he left the Bingo Club. According to one eye witness, a very angry elderly lady, who may or may not look identical to Doris Willerby, hit him in the stomach with a walking stick. Her husband came at him with a large crusty baguette, first a rabbit punch to the kidneys, then repeated whacks to the ribs until he was on the ground wheezing. Four other pensioners allegedly began kicking and spitting on him, before the owner of the Club shouted “Clear off, don’t you lot have homes to go to!”
Yesterday on Monday March 13th, Jimmy Gibson attended a formal apology, in which a freshly baked baguette was waiting for him as means of recompense. The Shrikeshire Times can exclusively reveal that this was entirely a tactic designed as a bribe to keep the police out of the loop, and Gibson has yet to commit to whether he will inform the authorities of this attack.
Stay tuned we will update on this story as and when we can be arsed.
