Two Adolescent Brothers Were Caught Carrying Out Perpetual Vandalism With Raw Eggs and Catapults Around Shrikeshire, Solving A Who-Done-It Mystery Going Back Over 5 Years
14 and 15 year old brothers Ethan and Craig Batty, also known by many victims in the area as “The Batty Brothers” or “The Brothers Grimm”, were involved in revealing the perpetrators of Shrikeshire’s longest unsolved crime spree this month. Acts of vandalism throughout Shrikeshire, from Nibbley Moore to Angorstock, have left the local authorities baffled for over five years. The commonality in all these cases was that both stones and smashed eggs were found at the scene of every crime. Last week, the Batty Brothers accidentally revealed they were behind it live on one of their mother’s Zoom meetings with the local Parish council.
“The revelation was a pitch perfect thing of beauty, in the respect that the boys had no idea they were broadcasting over the internet in a meeting between local Councillors and committee members.” Reveals Mayor Graham Parsnip, who was live on the call to witness the boys slip-up.
Their mother, Anne-Marie Batty, also from Nibbley Moore, was addressing a live council meeting over the internet, speaking for the community on pot-holes, when she had to pay a visit to the bathroom. The boys took the opportunity to quickly enter the living room, one carrying a box of eggs, the other a couple of catapults. If that wasn’t linking them to something suspicious, what came out of their mouths next solidified their guilt in the matter.
Mayor Parsnip continues “We were all waiting in silence for Mrs Batty to return from the bathroom, and heard the youngest boy quite cleary say ‘Which do you fancy smashing first, the church or shall we ride to Belton Tidsea again and pop the Cathedral windows through'” For context, Belton Tidsea cathedral windows were recently vandalised on the 13th March, and had just been restored.
“It didn’t end there, the eldest then said ‘I actually fancy egging some moving cars again, get them skidding off the road'” To add even further context Mayor Graham Parsnip’s car was egged two years ago, causing a head-on collision with a gritter in which he had whiplash, three bruised ribs and narrow cuts to the head and face where the windscreen smashed on top of him.
The confession left everyone speechless, and two and two were put together, as coincidentally, the council was always chasing up every month if the authorities were any further finding out who the longterm vandals are.
When Anne-Marie returned from the bathroom she was informed and the kids were put under house arrest until the police could arrive. Two Black Widow branded catapults and three boxes of stones picked from local driveways were confiscated by the authorities, and both boys brought in for questioning with their parents present.
The police were able to piece together when vandalism took place in other cities and villages, it was during school holidays, or when the family was visiting relatives. We can exclusively reveal from our source within the police department that the boys profusely deny painting the word “TWAT” in big black letters on Conservative MP Colin Hallman’s Renault Turbo Sport. However, there are already several dozen suspects on that one.
Even worse about the backtracking of the crimes, is one of the victims was their own grandmother Eileen Moonie, who had her greenhouse and bespoke Garden Conservatory smashed to pieces, with glass and rotten eggs everywhere.
“Bring back the cane, send them down the mines,” her husband Derek Moonie yelled, as his wife was too distraught to speak to the media. “Wouldn’t have happened in our day, the system is too soft! Grounded and no pocket money? The little bleeders are always so rude when they’re here! Hang the b*****ds!” The Shrikeshire Times wishes to point out these are the views of an upset grandfather, and we don’t endorse corporal punishment of any kind.
Whilst we let Mr Moonie indulge in the fantasy that there was no crime in the 1960’s and all youth were perfectly behaved and committed no offences, the Shrikeshire County Parish Council and Mayor Graham Parsnip are actively encouraging people to come forward if they’ve been affected consciously or otherwise by the two teenagers.
Mayor Parsnip even went on to say with gritted teeth and clenched fist “The Batty Brothers are now a name round here as notorious as The Kray Twins. Shrikeshire has it’s own evil, and I’m here to stop it. This far and no further. I will make them pay for what they’ve done!”
We hear it on good authority that the case is being made for them to face Juvenile detention and severe discipline.
