Helstronwick
Support Our Site
Abraham Clompham Shrikeshire's Environmental Health Inspector Is Accused of Fraudulent Fines
As numbers have been flagging in the case of the Environmental Health Department of Shrikeshire County Council, some residents have sparked a controversy that claims have been falsified to make up the numbers. Over 58 complainants deny any wrongdoing, and refuse to pay the unjust penalties given to them by the Council.
Meet Abraham Clompham, the shamed Health Inspector at the County Parish Council who has been accused of generating inaccurate reports of offences in the area and collecting fines for his own benefit and to satisfy his superiors. In fairness before we spoke to others for this article we reached out to Inspector Clompham and were told he was away on urgent business, and would get back to us, that was 7 days ago.
After doing some research we discovered that Clompham’s family lineage has been a key part of law and order in Shrikeshire going back over 400 years. His great grandfather Wilfred Clompham was famous for the Clompham Manifesto which claimed that Power does not Corrupt, only the fear of being unable to control others cripples our good senses. However Wilfred is not to be respected for his wisdom, since subsequent ideas from his Manifesto said women should not wear clothing in the family home, and cats are a good source of fibre first thing in a morning.
One couple Adrian and Penny Moorhouse were sent a fine for £600 to pay within 14 days, or face double the penalty. Adrian was seething with anger, “Noise pollution at a 12 year olds birthday party. The party ran between 5 and 9pm on a Saturday evening, and the last 2 hours I had eight 11 to 12 year olds watching Antman and the Wasp in front of the telly. We don’t even have surround sound speakers! So I find the attached letter stating ‘unreasonable pounding music keeping everybody awake until ungodly hours’ one big unfunny joke!”
Holly and Wally Willis were accused of hosting a naked water fight in their back garden. “It’s ridiculous, we would never ever do anything so reckless. I’m 68 and the wife is 65, we’re not in Ibiza and we’re not nudists. Yet we get a fine for indecent exposure with a threat saying if it’s not paid, they’ll see us in court. It even stated after countless complaints from nearby upstairs windows, but didn’t say who. Every time you call and ask to speak to Inspector Blakey, sorry I mean Clompham, he is apparently busy with urgent matters.”
The reports don’t end here. Maria Jewitt a 90 year old lady with full time Carer at her house, was given an £80 fine for lighting fireworks at 11PM at night scaring horses at the nearby stable. Rick Barnard, a retired Army Colonel, was told he should keep the curtains shut when hosting Ann Summer’s gatherings. Pauline Abrahams, who is unable to have children, was fined for placing nappies in a local skip. Rena Parkinson, who died 6 months ago, was sent a letter 3 months after her death fining her for not cleaning up dog mess outside her pavement.
We approached Mayor Graham Parsnip about the matter, who chose his words carefully: “Right now this is alleged corruption that has not been substantiated and proved by our internal investigations.”
Of course we interrupted Parsnip and said “How can you say it was alleged that Clompham falsified a fine to a 90 year old disabled grandmother accusing her of being a twisted firework starter? Surely the facts speak for themselves.”
He interjected “Again legalities and precision language is called for here and we can not speak for every individual case but it is being looked into thoroughly.”
Not missing an opportunity we came back with, “Do you really need to send someone around with a clipboard to tell whether or not a deceased lady failed to clean up some dog muck?”
Of course we understand the futility of talking to any politician about matters yet fully investigated, but we were hoping for some reassurance at least from Parsnip that those fined for outrageous activities, living and dead, would be compensated and respected for the grief this has caused. In fact whilst we were writing this article, another case came in of shameful fining. Rick Boyson who was blind at birth, was accused of Graffiti and seen on private CCTV footage placing Right Wing Nazi symbols on Gransted Windmill and asked to pay £800 or face prosecution.
Update: we finally received a personal response to our request to interview Clompham which came in the form of a fine to the offices of the Shrikeshire Times for excessive use of electronic messaging resulting in higher use of council resources, time and fossil fuels to respond.
About us
We are the number one and only online reporting desk for the East Parish of Shrikeshire, covering local news, as well as Entertainment and engaging World Affairs. We are a spoof news site, and nothing printed is real. Nearly all images on this site were created by AI using Canva by Magic Studio Apps.
Subscribe To The Shrikeshire Newsletter
© 2023 The Shrikeshire Times. All Rights Thrown Out the Window.