Walsham Man Insists The Noises Coming Out The Toilet Cubicle Were Him Straining For A Painful Deposit Along With Live Snooker Commentary Coming From His Phone
Colin Snapper from Shrikeshire claims he was the victim of co-incidence during a rather difficult bowel movement in Walsham public toilets. He denies and refutes that he was getting off very loudly on graphic pornography with Closed Caption audio descriptions for those with poor visibility. He was actually glued to his Iphone following the climactic final frames of the World Championship Snooker! In his own words he was manhandled by the police, thrown into a car and subjected to several hours of endless interrogation and met with nothing but inaccurate and co-incidental suspicion.
“The claim that I was watching pornography in a public lavatory is absurd. I was watching the Snooker and didn’t want to miss a frame, live on the BBC Iplayer.”
Richard Chapman who was taking a tinkle with his 12 year old son, says “I heard this gruff male voice saying, he’s got into position, the key is to push it in thick. Then another voice sounded Irish, saying, he needs to swing this all the way around the angles. All the while there was this grunting coming from behind the same cubicle. I had to block my boys ears and we were out of there in a shot.”
Window Cleaner Gary Smith was also taking a tinkle and said “I have my suspicions, and made a complaint. If the noises grunts and panting wasn’t enough, to quite clearly hear a bloke say that ‘He’s going to touch right up to the rack, then play with a couple of his loosest balls.’ certainly made me question what I was hearing!”
“That was not grunting that was straining, and I can’t believe I have to defend my toilet habits but sometimes things can be hard and painful,” defends Snapper as he holds his hands over his eyes in frustration. “Nobody believes me. That’s why I’m putting this out there on the record and giving my side.”
“He says it was Snooker,” continues Smith, “but come on I heard grunting and a loud male voice in authority saying ‘It might have touched the near knuckle but I did think it was going to drop’ after he had also said ‘You can get a little stun effect when you smash into it hard and pull back!'”
Phillip Bernardo, a part time Geography supply teacher was sat in the cubicle adjacent, reading his newspaper. “I try to blank everything. I don’t want to hear any sound from the next pit. But I could hear a warbling grunt and excessive dry gasping and high pitched sighing. There was clear audio coming from a device with a man commenting ‘As we switch to our pocket camera it looks as if it’s going to wobble’ before saying ‘How’s the pace? He’s gone a little bit too hard with this one!”
Trevor Illingworth the caretaker of the aforementioned gentleman’s public lavatories was the first to sound the alarm, get everyone out and call the police. Illingworth comments “It was like Darth Vader heavy breathing as I could hear very loudly a man commenting on sexual activities, he was obviously getting off on it. The worst thing I heard was that the man in the video was going for a long pink, and didn’t want to go in off the brown!”
The police ended up banging on the cubicle door, in what Snapper describes as unlawful interruption of one’s vital body movement. “Not nice is it, you’ve just had a painful number two and 3 coppers are waiting for you, take your phone off you, pin you to the wall and cuff you? My phone locks when someone else has it. How do you prove you were watching something on the Iplayer? My internet tracks delete when you exit the browser so I had no proof just my word.”
Despite his protestations, the disbelief is rampant, and the case is now beyond convincing the police, and heading to court scheduled for a hearing on the 13th of June. Snapper believes that he will persuade a jury that he is not guilty of extreme acts of public indecency, inappropriate material aired in an environment with minors present, and fully refuses the suggestion that he belongs on an offenders register.
“It’s been said there were children present in the toilets? So what? I was having a s*** watching the snooker, what’s wrong with that? Two things children can do at the same time and no harm could ever come to them,” emphasises Snapper. Behavioural Psychologist Phillipa Gibbons was contacted via email for her response, and her reply was simply “A nonce would say that!”
What do you think? Do you believe this was a case of an innocent man accused of something he didn’t do? Or do you believe there is more to World Championship Snooker Commentary than meets the eye?
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