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Comedian Joe Cricket made local fame winning Rimmingham’s Got Talent last year, proudly defeating a woman and a barking dog, and some rubbish kiddy dancer in the final. However, fame is temporary he discovered, on Saturday 8th April as he performed a private gig in front of a group of adults at a naughty themed gathering.
Starting with such crowd groaners as “What do you call a Swedish man who gets a hole in one? Golf Lundgren!” Things got worse when he got to a complicated pun of “A man goes in an adult shop asking for a Thistle Noose. The woman behind the counter says ‘A Thistle Noose? What’s a Thistle Noose?” He replies ‘They Are-To-Choke your lover with.'” Which nobody got as it’s not commonly known that Cynara Cardunculus, is also called the artichoke thistle.
Every performer loves the dream of being air lifted off to cheers. But Cricket soon found himself carried off the stage, with only cheers for the big hefty blokes who removed him.
“Some of his jokes were beyond merely terrible” admits party host Patricia Summers from Angorstock who is a self-confessed private party Dominatrix. “We don’t know how on earth he won a local talent competition, but this was a room full of adults expecting some really raunchy material and we were given nothing short of rubbish Tim Vine jokes, most of which could have been aired on CBeebies.”
One of the largest groans came after a covid 19 joke came out, “My friend Alma says they now call her NHS Alma, but she’s not a nurse! She just ends up getting the clap every Thursday night from the people down her street!” And even worse a very politically incorrect joke which offended most attendees “Strange world innit, Siamese twins asked to be put back together because they couldn’t get anything out of their joint account!”
It was at this stage three men climbed on the purpose built stage and began to grab each of his limbs, to escort Joe Cricket to the door.
One drunken party guest who has an uncanny resemblance to our local Mayor wishes to remain anonymous and said, off the record, “They could have booked The Krankies and it would have been more in tone with the atmosphere here. You won’t remember them from back in the day, but they were not a kids audience start-up. I first saw them at their prime at the Embassy Club with Bernard Manning.”
Joe Cricket, who’s real name is Stan Murrell from Helstronwick, had this to say “Look they were only paying me £150 and that’s not enough money for me to rewrite all my old material and then come up with a brand new adult show for one night only. I wasn’t expecting heckles and boos. And certainly not used to being told by one toothless man to ‘Uck off ya ucking fastud”, whatever that meant in gum land.”
Cricket was so shaken by the experience, he experienced both the hives and a panic attack. He claims he was verbally assaulted after leaving the stage and whilst waiting outside for his cousin Linda to pick him up. Linda pipes in “I’ve never seen anything like it, it was like a lynch mob out there, throwing scampi fries at him, all stood sounding off insults. I’ve never drove so fast in all my life, and looked in the rear view mirror and a couple of them were chasing us down the street fists in the air”.
Asked if the experience had put him off, and if he really did want to return to his day job. “Nothing deters me nothing scares me. I’ve been in working man’s clubs and there’s been standing ovations, and a few tears of joy. The adult party was a misfit and I’m going to be careful what I say yes to in the future. I’ll stand up to the Dominatrix types and learn to say no.”
“I’ve got to say though”, Cricket points out, “That contributing to an article saying that I had a crap gig, seems like bad publicity to me, so I’m going to end this now. Did you hear about the comedian who made himself sound like an even bigger twat?”
We didn’t get the punchline to this one, but somehow we are expecting a Joe Cricket classic from his award-winning prime.
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