Following an Horrific Outbreak of Debilitating Diarrhoea Health Officials Trace The Source To A Shrikeshire Bakery Ordering Immediate And Permanent Closure
Mabels Muffins in Fumbleton has come under great scrutiny by Health and Safety Professionals this month when it was found to be the source of a very debilitating strain of Diarrhoea. The outbreak caused officials at Environmental Health at the East Parish of Shrikeshire County Council to force the bakery to cease trading with immediate effect. A call out on social media and the radio was made to recall or dispose of all products bought from the shop with extreme urgency.
The bakery in question is run by Mabel Staniforth and everyone who works for her is a member of her family. For years she has be touting unsubstantiated medals such as “Shrikeshire’s award winning sausage rolls” and “Best Bakery of the Area”, which turned out to be fake certificates her son Marlon had printed out on an old Inkjet. Until now it has been harmless unearned self promotion, until an outbreak of the runs hit the area hard.
Regular customer and Construction Worker Philip Hodge was one of the first to contact us “Usually it’s fair tucker, bacon sarnies in the morning with freshly baked baps. But last week, I had one of their cheese scones, which went through me like a scud missile. Even just the slightest sip of tap water after and I was sat on the porcelain pot straining for King and country. I had a sphincter with an extremely sore eye of the needle and couldn’t leave the house for three days. Worse the first instance I was at work and had to use an old rusty toilet there was no time for anything else.”
Local food critic Fatima Patel was the first person to put two and two together, when she was reviewing some of the freshly baked muffins that were receiving notoriety on social media.
“I sent my son in to get one of each because I don’t want preferential treatment. He secured the banana muffins, a chocolate chip and the award winning cranberry and vanilla flavours. The first thing I noticed was an odd odour. It’s hard to describe it was more like rotting vegetable than cake.”
Patel ate the entire banana muffin and was just writing up her thoughts, when she felt a sudden burning sensation in her stomach. “It was like after eating very spicy food, I had to literally plumit to the bathroom with urgency. Whilst I was in there, there was a banging on the door and an cry to hurry up. My son had decided to eat the Cranberry and Vanilla and it had hit him with immediate effect too, and the poor lad desecrated his trousers.”
The Patels disposed of the Muffins, and sent a review out with immediate effect on her Influential Blog titled “The Bakery Of Bowel Intolerance”. She was soon contacted by Mabel’s Muffins via phone, “I couldn’t believe my ears, the owner herself was demanding I take down the review as she feared it would affect her business, and all she offered was a partial refund for two muffins! Worse, no actual apology or explanation.”
Ian Withstanley From Shrikeshires Health Department at the Country Parish Council chimes in, “The review was a godsend! We were well aware of a rare stomach upset that was proliferating in Fumbleton but unsure of the cause. Local school attendance was the lowest it had been from an unexplained stomach virus and many folks were off sick for days from work.”
Lab analysis of the 3 different types of muffins, sausage rolls, and a cheese and onion pastie came back with suspicious results. According to Withstanley “There was a higher than normal amount of Pesticides and Cayenne Pepper extract, and gut rotting MSG additive. Even more bizarre was the worrying presence of trace amounts of rodent faeces indicating very unclean work practices and unhygienic environment.”
Using Health and Safety Laws, the Council Department was able to close down the bakery with immediate effect. Mabel’s Muffins which had a 1 on the 5 scale Hygiene inspection certificate, was forced to cease trading indefinitely. We reached out to Mabel herself, for comment and all we received back was “Please do not print this article. Mabel’s Muffins will be back shortly this is all one big misunderstanding. If I buy you all a pizza will you reconsider?”
“If you have any uneaten produce from Mabel’s Muffins, please dispose of the product immediately, don’t even give it to your dogs unless you want to clean up some serious mess,” asserts Mr Withstanley, “as we’ve also been tipped off by local vets that there has been an influx of poorly Chihuahua’s.”
UPDATE: Since publishing this article, Mabel has got in touch again, “You lousy S**th****s” was all it said.
